I just don't really know anymore

I don't really know if I'm managing to 'do it all', and you know what if anyone from work is reading this then please respect my personal space, because that's what this blog is.  It's public but it's mine and it's my space to write what I want.

I don't really know if I can be the mum I want to be in the situation I'm in right now.  But I need to be in this situation if you understand.  I have little choice right now. 

My little girls are just growing up so fast.  Eliza can have a a full conversation with herself now and everything.  Tilly smiles and kicks her legs more when she sees her Nanny than when she sees her Mummy.  They both just seem to change every day.  I really miss them.

But the clincher for me was today.  She seems to think she has the same surname as her Nanny.  She asserted this to me when I called her Eliza Ward (as in Miss Eliza Ward what a mess you've made!).  

It shocked and upset me.  

I'll get over it of course and we'll muddle along as we always do.  

And I know I'm hungover and that isn't helping my mood and self confidence.  But I just want to be a good mother to them, I want them to feel secure, happy and loved.  Mostly I can deal with knowing that someone else takes care of them most days, I can justify it because of the necessity of the situation.  But sometimes, just sometimes,  I just don't want to be a part-time mum.  

That's all.  I feel better in the morning. Sorry.