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Stop the world I want to get off.

You ever have those days where you just KNOW the universe is just not working for you?  Its having a day off and has sent chaos and confusion to sub for the day?  

They rub their hands in glee as at the thought of properly cocking up your day. 

For me I know it’ll be bad when I can’t find anything to wear.  Does every woman have this?  Or does it just happen to me with alarming frequency?  On goes a pair of jeans and a top.  Top’s too short, holy cow the midriff’s on display.  Jesus.  Ok jeans will do but oh shit no I have a meeting I need to wear something smartish.  Right okay how about black trousers with a vest and cardigan?  No.  No black vests only a grey one with sequins.  What the f**k was I thinking? Sequins? 

So maybe a dress?  Right yes a dress.  No all my dresses require shaved legs or tights.  Too hot for tights and no razors that haven’t been used 50 times before. Maybe give it a go for the 51st time and risk Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the bathroom?  No, the toddler’s bound to come in and then I’ll have to abandon the mission and go to work with one carved up leg and one hairy.

Right so no dress.

How about dress over trousers?  I can still rock that look at my age can’t I?  No teenagers to tell me I’m too old for that.  So on with the green and red dress from Ebay. Makes me look like Tinkerbell.  BOLLOCKS.  F**king cock.

So back to the midriff skimmer with a vest underneath and black trousers.  Shoes I have had for approxmiately 30 years and a black smartish jacket that’s verging on grey due to age.

Make up on on the train.  Of course I have left my mascara behind.  Stands to reason on this day of universal cock ups.

Arrive at Waterloo, bugger it didn’t buy a ticket, season ticket expired yesterday, no cash left on Oyster card.   I say to the man at the ticket barrier:

“Yes I know you’re going to fine me so just shut up about why and just bloody do it.  Please.”

The ticket man was most put out, he’d been spoiling for a full on fight with me.  Me denying my 2 day old ticket was actually old, coming out with all manner of crap about why I don’t have a valid ticket.  I really spoilt his fun today.

The icing on this cake (the one that never rose properly and tastes of flour) is an email from the lady who looks after the company pool cars.  Asking me if I left a black thong in the back of the car I borrowed yesterday.  What?!  Me?  Holly, mother of two, wife of one, boss of many, failure at much would actually have occasion to remove a thong whilst on my way to a business meeting in Hayes, is just so ludicrous, it has perhaps broken the spell of this rubbish day.

Things can only get better.  Can’t they?


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