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Being a Grown Up

I’m a reasonably well-adjusted person, I have my issues (don’t we all?) but by and large I’m fairly balanced.  Actually that depends entirely on who you ask.  If you asked my husband he’d probably smile politely and change the subject, if you asked my best friend she’d probably say something like “well relatively speaking yes Holly is quite well balanced” and if you asked my Dad he’s say I’m perfect.  So if you ever do want to ask that question of anyone, I’ll give you my Dad’s number.

Mostly I can remember that my children are young and that the things they say are not pre-meditated to hurt me but are simply their reaction to whatever may be happening at that precise moment in time.

So for example just say Tilly said to me today, several times, that she preferred her Daddy to me, then I’d be a grown up about that wouldn’t I?

I wouldn’t feel a little part of me break inside and try and stop the stinging in my eyes as tears threatened. I wouldn’t think that she probably meant it because she has a bond with her Dad that I am envious of in a way that would be deeply exposing to admit to. I wouldn’t feel sad about the fact that the small age difference between my daughters meant I didn’t cuddle her as much as I wanted to when she was a baby.

I would just laugh it off and say “kids, who’d have ‘em!” and trot off to put a wash on or make a cup of tea.  I would know that she is 3 and I am 39 and therein lies the reason why I can deal with these things.  Like I can deal with it when she says with hope every single morning “Is it a Mummy day?” and I tell her that it isn’t. Because I AM A GROWN UP. If I just keep on saying it, loudly, then one day I will actually believe it.

I am a grown up.

But sometimes I feel like a 16 year old girl who’s mother’s just died and who desperately wants someone to tell her that they are the most important person in their world.  It’s always the same at this time of year. I allow myself a few moments to reflect on the wonderful mother I lost, how much she loved me and how much I miss her still, every single day.

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Comments

  1. It is so hard to continue as a mum with young children without the support of our own mothers. Christmas highlights this.

    Just remember you are her echo.

  2. It’s really hard to be the grown up. Some parts of me will never get there, others seem to be doing okay. My kids help me grow up, just as I am helping them. x

  3. Something about this time of year. You’re doing your mum proud x

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