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Not Perfect

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There are some times when I wish this blog was anonymous. I’m not sure why it’s not to be honest, I guess when I started writing it I thought it wouldn’t need to be. I never thought anyone would actually read it and if they did I didn’t think they’d know me. It was never meant to be an enterprise either, it was only ever meant to be somewhere to keep a record. A paper diary would do or a private blog I suppose, but somehow the community side of blogging kept me writing it publicly. That community doesn’t thrive unless you support it though and that takes time, something I don’t have much of. I’ll go through phases of reading other blogs and enjoying them very much, I wish I could do this more often.

Now as I’m writing this I feel like I’m tempering what I’m saying. In case I feel exposed. People will know how I really feel, my rough edges and lack of substance will be on show for all to see. It’s the blogging equivalent of forgetting to put trousers on and realising as you get to work. I’m not the ‘have it all’ working mother, I’m just a very tired, very average human being who was lucky enough to have two lovely daughters and is practical enough to realise she needs to earn money. Not much when you look at it like that. But that’s just the point. Some days I’ll feel like that and somedays I’ll feel like a successful career woman who’s managing to be a good mother whilst keeping the home fires burning all at once.

This blog was meant to be a place where I could record the highs and lows. Not just of motherhood, but of my life. To be authentic and speak freely. Because that is what matters. I don’t write about my perfect life with my two angelic children and how I married my best friend (I didn’t, that would be weird – who would I bitch to about him if I’d done that?). No one would believe that for a minute. The truth is far more prosaic.

Most of the time it’s fine. I feel good, I feel happy, I feel in control and it feels fine to share that. But sometimes I don’t. I feel bloody awful. I feel tired, stressed, angry, sad, useless and inadequate and I’m not always sure I want people to know that. So I don’t write it. There are great chunks of my life that I leave out. Which is fine I suppose, who wants to be reminded of the bad times anyway? Well I kind of do sometimes, because I like to read back and realise that it’s okay to feel a bit shit because as I’m re-reading a ‘I feel a bit shit’ post the next one I read a few weeks later is a ‘I feel pretty damn good’ post. So I realise it’s all checks and balances and it’ll be okay again soon. Life is a roller coaster as the great poet Ronan Keating so rightly said.

I have days where I’m a terrible person. I shout at my kids, I’m rude to my husband, I’m a hideous harridan of a woman. And yes there are extenuating circumstances and justifications for it all but nonetheless I’m not supposed to behave like that. According to the parenting experts I’m causing life long damage to my kids by doing it, they’ll probably be in therapy all their lives or retreat into a hippy commune (“finally peace from our shouty mother”) and they’ll be lost to me forever and I’ll only have MYSELF TO BLAME. (Actually Eliza would most probably take over and ‘lead’ the commune, she’ll be the one telling them all to drink the Kool Aid).

I guess I’m asking for understanding. I’m asking not to be judged for how I feel and what I write. That’s all. I can’t keep a perfect diary of an imperfect life, it’s just not possible. But I wan’t to continue to write this blog. I just want to have my cake and eat it. And who wouldn’t. And actually what is the point of that saying? Seriously it makes no sense.

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Comments

  1. Mrs W -I love reading your blog – I think you write it from the heart & tell it like it is – which a lot of us wouldn’t – its makes me chuckle sometimes & I like it. Whatever has happened or whoever has said whatever (if anything has?) – then poo to them – you carry on & if you have a shit day – write about it – it will make you feel better & the rest of us to – we are all human & no-one is perfect. I think you writing the blog is a wonderful memoire for you & definitely for your two gorgeous girls. You work hard & juggle it all about as do a lot of moms – in fact I don’t know how you have the time to do it all, praps I need to shake myself about a bit. You keep up the good work girl & I look forward to my next read, love from a Brummie ward wife xxx

  2. I empathise with and understand everything you say. I’ve also had many days when I’ve wished my blog was anonymous so I could get some difficult stuff off my chest. Stuff that I literally can’t admit to anyone else. But be gentle with yourself: we are all just getting by, we all shout, we all feel guilty about it. Sometimes I have to apologise to my kids for going over the top, and then forgive myself, and move on with the day. Your blog is yours: you are free to write what you want to write, when you want to write it.

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